Friday, 22 April 2016

Governor Kulo.


As part of my attempt at running "The Wolf Time" scenario from the "Book of the Astronomican" I've been trying to find a suitable miniature that I could use as a proxy for governor Kulo....the main Ork Character in the game. The search for him has proven to be nothing short of painful. To give you a hint as to why it's been so hard to find one, have a look at his passport photo below:

"I fink I'll save dis black stuff for afta"

As you can see Kulo is one big ugly Ork. In fact, he's SO big and ugly that he's rumoured to be THE fattest Ork in the entire galaxy! Unfortunately, Citadel never produced a miniature version of him.....or any of the Wolf Time characters for that matter. And because people generally prefer tough & muscular looking Ork mini's to overweight, flabby ones, there just ain't no Ork miniature available out there that I could use (straight out of the box) as a proxy for him.

Last year I searched online for one & came across none. So I turned to the Oldhammer forum for help. And although the ideas put forward on there were helpful, they just weren't what I personally had in mind as suitable candidate that I could easily (or believably) convert into a Governor Kulo. So after a few weeks I just gave up.

Fast forward to now and I've become all enthused again. Reading the scenario through from start to finish again can have that effect :) But this time I searched a hell of a lot more than I did last time online, mostly on Google images. I think I looked at just about every picture that contained the words "fat Ork", "fattest Ork", "obese Ork", "large Ork", "huge Ork", "overweight Ork", "Ork boss". I even resorted to replacing the Orkoid races with "Orc", "Ogre", "Troll" and even "goblin"! But I still had no joy.

As a side note; I never realised until I began this search that there was such a thing as Orc porn.....the world sure has some interesting people in it doesn't it.

After my lengthy & ultimately failed adventures in "The land of Google images" came to an end I decided to have a look through Stuff of Legends, just in case there were some Ork mini's that I'd never seen before. I'm not the worlds biggest expert on all things Orcish to be honest, so I thought it'd be worth a try......but still nothing.

Ok, next on the tortured path (I wasn't giving that easily) was eBay. This too (just like the previous searches) turned into a massive time sink. It wasn't a total waste of time though, as I turned up a few likely candidates, but these were soon followed by varying levels of fail.

Here's a few of them that I came across on me e-travels:

This guy would have been awesome to convert, but he was a playing piece from a
 boardgame (Battlelore 2nd ed) & I was unable to find him for sale separately.

Little piggy here was "ok" but the seller on Ebay was unwilling to post him to Asia.

This dude looked like a great candidate, but after finding a painted version of him
online it became obvious that he was way too big.....AND he had nipple clamps on him!
What a strange imagination to have come up with that.

This guy seemed alright, but for two issues. I was unsure of his scale & the lack of clothing and accessories
 that had been sculpted onto him meant that the conversion work would have become too difficult for me. 

This guy was high on the list for while also, but once again the Seller refused to ship him to Asia, Damn!

After this sort of lengthy & overall negative experience you'd think I'd be ready to give in wouldn't you? But noooo, I'm thick in the head you see. So, I just kept on truckin, one painful mouse click at a time.

Next up was Collecting Citadel Miniatures Wiki. A site that I've very rarely had the need to use before. And it's a good thing that I tried using it too, because it was here that I stumbled across a mini range that I never knew existed before, the Freebooter Minderz. In it I found a promising little nugget, a plump looking RT Ork. He would definitely need some work, but his beer gut at least pointed me in the right direction as to where I'd be needing to add GS too. And if I wanted to make the fattest Ork in the Universe I'd be needing all the pointers I could get.

So, after a quick search on Ebay I turned up quite a few of these Minderz. I just had to pick the one that I thought was the best base mini to begin with & at a reasonable price. 

Here's the one I procured: 

Your gunna get a few spare tyres added to you my son.....muuhaaaawwww :)

His face already looks a bit like Kulos' to me, so I won't need to do too much in that area. I'll mainly be working on his girth.....and his obvious lack of arms too. I've got a few things coming in the post to help converting him up, so I'll begin carving into him once they arrive.

So, what do you think? Is he a likely candidate? Or a complete and utter waste of my time and yours?

Ciao amico :)

I bet that there'll be one of you guys out there that will point out where I could have gotten a fat Ork mini that looks twice as good as this, on an easily found website & for half the price as this one :D 


  1. Have you thought about a head swap on one of the Judge Dredd fatties:

    1. Yeah I did, but his problem is that he's way too tall. I came across a few fat dudes that would have been ideal, but they were Ogre height. Kulos' just an average height Ork....albeit with an above average girth.

      Thanks for the tip though :)

  2. I think he is pretty much perfect mate! The face looks great, just needs a bit more bulk and you're there! Hats off to you for perceverence, and for informing me of the existsnce of Ork porn... the mind boggles.

    1. Thanks Balloony,

      The face is a lucky find I reckon. I should be able to hide all his extra weight under his flak jacket too, so that'll help a lot.

      Oh, and that other Orc thing was quite disturbing. Don't even go there.

      Cheers :)

  3. Have you thought about converting the 90ies version of grom the paunch? the pose is a bit, erm exuberant, but the gut is perfect, rhe scale as well


    1. Yeah, I did. But I think as far as conversion material goes, the only thing he had going for him was is his belly. The legs are too short, the stance -as you pointed out- is not the best & he's covered in WFB gear too. The task of converting him would have ended up being a monumental one IMHO.

      Thanks for the idea though JB, much obliged :)

  4. Weirdly, one of the Ork command models is called "Guvnor Kulo" in his ad, but he looks nothing like the illustration.

    1. Yeah, I noticed that too. He's not particularly fat either.

      Oh well, gives me an excuse to convert one up anyway :)